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Ying-Ying St. Cir
My daughter has put ii of roo in her new house.
quot;This is the guest bedrooquot; Lena said in her proud Ari way.
I sled. But to ese ways of thinking, the guest bedroois the best bedroo where she and her husband sleep. I do not tell her this. Her wisdois like a bottoess pond. You throw stones in and they sink into the darkness and dissole. Her eyes looking back do not refleything.
I think this to self een though I loe daughter. She and I hae shared the sa body. There is a part of her nd that is part of ne. But when she was born, she sprang fro like a slippery fish, and has been swiing away eer since. All her life, I hae watched her as though froanother shore. And now I st tell her eerything about  ast. It is the only way to pee her skin and pull her to where she be saed.
This roohas ceilings that slope dow;tt;/ttnward toward the pillow of bed. Its walls close in like ffin. I should rend daughter not to put any babies in this roo But I know she will not listen. She has already said she does not want any babies. She and her husband are too busy drawing pces that soone else will build and soone else will lie in. I ot say the Ari word that she and her husband are. It is an ugly word.
quot;Arty-tecky,quot; I once pronou to sister-in-w.
My daughter had ughed when she heard this. When she was a child, I should hae spped her re often for disrespect. But now it is too te. Now she and her husband gie o add to so-so security. So the burning feeling I hae in hand sotis, I st pull it bato heart and keep it inside.
What good does it do to draw fancy buildings and then lie ihat is useless? My daughter has ney, but eerything in her house is for looking, not een food-looking. Look at this end table. It is heay white rble on skinny bck legs. A person st always think not to put a heay bag on this table or it will break. The only thing that sit oable is a tall bck ase. The ase is like a spider leg, so thin only one flower be put in. If you shake the table, the ase and flower will fall down.
All around this house I see the signs. My daughter looks but does not see. This is a house that will break into pieces. How do I know? I hae always known a thing before it happens.
When I was a young girl in Wushi, I was lihai. Wild and stubborn. I wore a srk on face. Too good to listen. I was sll and pretty. I had ti which de ery ain. If a pair of silk slippers beca dusty, I threw theaway. I worstly iorted calfskin shoes with little heels. I broke ny pairs and ruined ny stogs running across thbblestonurtyard.
I often unraeled hair and wore it loose. My ther would look at wild tangles and se: quot;Aii-ya, Ying-ying, you are like the dy ghosts at the bottoof the ke.quot;
These were the dies who drowheir sha and floated in liing peoples houses with their hair uo show their eersting despair. My ther said I would bring sha into the house, but I only giggled as she tried to tubsp; hair up with long pins. She loed too ch to get angry. I was like her. That was why she nad Ying-ying, Clear Refle.
We were one of the richest falies in Wushi. We had ny roo, each filled with big, heay tables. On each table was a jade jar sealed airtight with a jade lid. Each jar held unfiered British cigarettes, always the right aunt. Not too ot too little. The jars were de just for these cigarettes. I thought nothing of these jars. They were junk in nd. Onbsp; brothers and I stole a jar and poured the cigarettes out onto the streets. We ran down te hole that had opened up ireet, where underh water flowed. There we squatted along with the children who lied by the gutter. Weoped up cups of dirty water, hoping to find a fish or unknown treasure. We found nothing, and soon our clothes were washed oer with d and we were unreizable frothe children who lied oreets.
We had ny riches in that house. Silk rugs and jewels. Rare bowls and cared iory. But when I think ba that house, and it is not often, I think of that jade jar, the ddied treasure I did not know I was holding in hand.
There is ahing I reer clearly about that house.
I was siteen. It was the night you aunt got rried. She and her new husband had already retired to the roothey would share in the big house with her her-in-w and the rest of her new faly.
Many of the isiting faly ers li our house, sitting around the big table in the in roo eerybody ughing ais, peeling es, and ughing re. A n froaown was seated with us, a friend of aunts new husband. He was older than oldest brother, so I called hiUncle. His face was reddened frodrinking whiskey.
quot;Ying-ying,quot; he called hoarsely to as he rose frohis chair. quot;Maybe you are still hungry, isnt it so?quot;
I looked around the table, sling at eeryone because of this special attentioo . I thought he would pull a special treat fre sack he was reag into. I hoped for so sweeteneokies. But he pulled out a waterlon and put it oable with a loud pung.
quot;Kai g;quot;—Opeerlon—he said, poising a rge knife oer the perfect fruit.
Then he sank the knife in with a ghty push and his huge uth roared a ugh so big uld see all the way back to his gold teeth. Eeryo the table ughed loudly. My face burned froearrassnt, because at that ti I did not uand.
Yes, it is true I was a wild girl, but I was i. I did not know what ahing he did whe open that waterlon. I did not uand until si nths ter when I was rried to this n and he hissed drunkenly to that he was ready to kai gwa.
This was a n so bad that een today I ot speak his na. Why d;u;/uid I rry this n? It was because the night after you aunts wedding, I began to know a thing before it happened.
Most of the reties had left the And by the eening, half-sisters and I were bored. We were sitting at the sa rge table, drinking tea aing roasted waterlon seeds. My half-sisters gossiped loudly, while I sat crag seeds and ying their flesh in a pile.
My half-sisters were all dreang of being rried to worthless young boys frofalies not as good as ours. My half-sisters did not know how to reach ery high food thing. They were the daughters of fathers es. I was the daughter of fathers wife.
quot;His ther will treat you like a serant…quot; chided one half-sister upon hearing the others choice.
quot;A dness on his uncles side…quot; retorted the other half-sister.
Wheired of teasing one ahey asked whoI wao rry.
quot;I know of no one,quot; I told thehaughtily.
It was not that boys did not i . I knew how to attract attention and be adred. But I was too ain to think any one boy was good enough for .
Those were the thoughts in head. But thoughts are of two kinds. So are seeds that are pnted when you are born, pced there by your father and ther and their aors before the And so thoughts are pnted by others. Maybe it was the waterlon seeds I was eating: I thought of that ughing n frothe night before. And just then, a rge wind blew in frothe north and the flower oable split froits steand fell at feet.
This is the truth. It was as if a knife had cut the flowers head off as a sign. Right then, I knew I would rry this n. It was not with joy that I thought this, but wo that uld know it.
And soon I began to hear this ioned by father and uncle and aunts new husband. At dinner his na ooned into bowl along with soup. I found histaring at across fro uyard, hu-huing, quot;See, she ot turn away. She is already ne.quot;
True enough, I did not turn away. I fought his eyes with ne. I listeo hiwith nose held high, sniffing the stink of his words wheold father would not likely gie the dowry he required. I pushed so hard to keep hifro thoughts that I fell inte bed with hi
My daughter does not know that I was rried to this n so long ago, twenty years before she was een born.
She does not know how beautiful I was when I rried this n. I was far re pretty than daughter, who has try feet and a rge nose like her fathers.
Een today, skin is still soth, figure like a girls. But there are deep lines in uth where I used to wear sles. And  oor feet, onall and pretty! Now they are swollen, callused, and cracked at the heels. My eyes, sht and fshy at siteen, are now yellow-stained, clouded.
But I still see alst eerything clearly. When I want to reer, it is like looking into a bowl and finding the st grains of rice you did not finish.
There was an afternoon on Tai Lake soon after this n and I rried. I reer this is when I ca to loe hi This n had turned face toward the te-afternoon sun. He held and stroked cheek and said, quot;Ying-ying, you hae tiger eyes. They gather fire in the day. At night they shine golden.quot;
I did not ugh, een though this oehe said ery badly. I cried with ho joy. I had a swiing feeling in heart like a creature thrashing to get out and wanting to stay in at the sa ti. That is how ch I ca to loe this n. This is how it is when a person joins your body and there is a part of your nd that swi to join that person against your will.
I beca a strao self. I retty for hi If I put slippers on feet, it was to choose a pair that I knew would please hi I brushed hair y-is a night t luck to our rital bed, in hopes of g a son.
The night he phe baby, I again knew a thing before it happened. I k was a boy. uld see this little boy in wo. He had husbands eyes, rge and wide apart. He had long tapered fingers, fat earlobes, and slick hair that rose high to reeal a rge forehead.
It is because I had so ch joy then that I ca to hae so ch hate. But een when I was happiest, I had a worry that started right aboe brow, where you know a thing. This worry ter trickled down to heart, where you feel a thing and it bees true.
My husband started to take ny busirips to the north. These trips began soon after we rried, but they beca longer after the baby ut in wo. I reered that the north wind had blown lud husband way, so at night when he was away, I opened wide bedroowindows, een old nights, to blow his spirit a babsp; way.
What I did not know is that the north wind is thldest. It pees the heart and takes the warh away. The wind gathered such a force that it blew husband past bedrooand out the back door. I found out fro you aunt that he had left to lie with an opera singer.
Later still, when I oerbsp; grief and ca to hae nothing in heart but loathing despair, you aunt told of others. Dancers and Ari dies. Prostitutes. A girusin younger een than I was. She left steriously for Hong Kong soon after husband disappeared.
So I will tell Lena of sha. That I was rid pretty. I was too good for any one n. That I beca abandoned goods. I will tell her that at eighteen the prettiness drained fro cheeks. That I thought of throwing self in the ke like the other dies of sha. And I will tell her of the baby I killed because I ca to hate this n so ch.
I took this baby fro wo before iuld be born. This was not a bad thing to do in a back then, to kill a baby before it is born. But een then, I thought it was bad, because body flowed with terrible reenge as the juices of this ns firstborn son poured fro.
When the nurses asked what they should do with the lifeless baby, I hurled a theand said to it like a fish and throw it in the ke. My daughter thinks I do not know what it ans to not want a baby.
When daughter looks at , she sees a sll old dy. That is because she sees only with her outside eyes. She ha;dfn;/dfns no g, no inside knowing of things. If she had g, she would see a tiger dy. And she would hae careful fear.
I was born in the year of the Tiger. It was a ery bad year to be born, a ery good year to be a Tiger. That was the year a ery bad spirit ehe world. People iryside died like chis on a hot suer day. People iy beca shadows, went into their hos and disappeared. Babies were born and did not get fatter. The flesh fell off their bones in days and they died.
The bad spirit stayed in the world for four years. But I ca froa spirit een stronger, and I lied. This is what ther told when I was old enough to know why I was so heartstrong in ways.
Theold why a tiger is gold and bck. It has two ways. The gold side leaps with its fierce heart. The bck side stands still with ing, hiding its gold between trees, seeing and not being seen, waiting patiently for things to e. I did not learn to use bck side until after the bad .
I beca like the dies of the ke. I threw white clothes oer the rrors in bedrooso I did not hae to see grief. I lost strength, so uld not een lift hands to pce pins in hair. And then I floated like a dead leaf oer until I drifted out of ther-in-ws house and bay faly ho.
I went to the try outside of Shanghai to lie with a seusins faly. I stayed in this try ho for ten years. If you ask what I did during these long years, I only say I waited betweerees. I had one eye asleep, the other open and watg.
I did not work. Musins faly treated well because I was the daughter of the faly who supported the The house was shabby, crowded with three falies. It was not a fort to be there, and that is what I wanted. Babies crawled on the floor with the ce. Chis and out like reties graceless peasant guests. We all ate i adst the h grease. And the flies! If you left a bowl with een a few grains of rice, you would find iered with hungry flies so thick it looked like a liing bowl of bck bean soup. This is how poor the try was.
After ten years, I was ready. I was no lirl but a strange won. A still-rried won with no husband. I went to the city with both eyes open. It was as if the bowl of bck flies had been poured out onto the streets. Eerywhere there were people ing, unknown n pushing against unknown won and no one g.
With the ney fro faly, I bought fresh clothes, dern straight suits. I y long hair i was stylish, like a young boy. I was so tired of doing nothing for so ny years I decided to work. I beca a shopgirl.
I did not o learn to ftter won. I khe words they wao hear. A tiger ke a soft prrrn-prrn noise deep within its chest and ke een rabbits feel safe a.
Een though I was a grown won, I beca pretty again. This was a gift. I wore clothes far better and re epehan what was sold iore. And this de won buy the cheap clothes, because they thought theuld look as pretty as I.
It was at this shop, w like a peasant, that I t Clifford St. Cir. He was a rge, pale Ari n who bought the stores cheap-style clothes aheoerseas. It was his hat de know I would rry hi
quot;Mistah Saint Cir,quot; he said in English wheroduced hielf to .
And then he added in his thick, ft ese, quot;Like the angel of light.quot;
I her liked hinor disliked hi I thought hiher attractie nor unattractie. But this I knew. I knew he was the sign that the bck side of would soon go away.
Sainurted for four years in his strange way. Een though I was not the owner of the shop, he always greeted , shaking hands, holding thetoo long. Frohis pal water aloured, een after we rried. He was and pleasant. But he slled like a fner, a -sll stink that eer be washed away.
I was not unkind. But he was kechi, too polite. He bought cheap gifts: a gss figurine, a prickly brooch of cut gss, a silelored cigarette lighter. Saint acted as if these gifts were nothing, as if he were a rig a poirl to things we had neer seen in a.
But I saw his look as he watched open the boes. Anious and eager to please. He did not know that such things were nothing to , that I was raised with riches huld not een igine.
I always aepted these gifts graciously, alrotesting just enough, not too little, not too ch. I did not ence hi But because I khis n would soday be husband, I put these worthless tris carefully into a bo, ing each with tissue. I khat soday he would ask to see theagain.
Lena thinks Saint saed frothe poor try ilge that I said I was fro She is right. She is wrong. My daughter does not know that Saint had to atiently for four years like a dog in front of a butcher shop.
How is it that I finally ca out a hirry ? I was waiting for the sign I knew would e. I had to wait until 1946.
A letter ca froTientsin, not fro faly, who thought I was dead. It was fro you aunt. Een before I opehe letter I knew. My husband was dead. He had long since left his opera singer. He was with so worthless girl, a you. But she had a strong spirit and was reckless, re so than een he. Wheried to leae her, she had already sharpened her lo kit knife.
I thought this n had long ago draihing fro heart. But now sothing strong and bitter flowed and de feel ainess in a pce I didnt know was there. I cursed this n alo藏书网ud so huld hear. You had dog eyes. You jued and followed whoeer called you. Now you chase your own tail.
So I decided. I decided to let Saint rry . So easy for . I was the daughter of fathers wife. I spoke in a trely oice. I beca pale, ill, ahin. I let self bee a wounded anil. I let the hunter e to and turo a tiger ghost. I willingly gae up chi, the spirit that caused so ch pain.
Now I was a tiger that her pounor y waitiweerees. I be unseen spirit.
Saint took to Arica, where I lied in houses sller than the one iry. I we Ari clothes. I did serants tasks. I learhe Western ways. I tried to speak with a thick tongue. I raised a daughter, watg her froanother shore. I aepted her Ari ways.
With all these things, I did not care. I had no spirit.
I tell daughter that I loed her father? This was a n who rubbed feet at night. He praised the food that oked. He cried holy when I brought out the tris I had saed for the right day, the day he gae daughter, a tiger girl.
Hould I not loe this n? But it was the loe of a ghost. Ar that encircled but did not touch. A bowl full of rice but without appetite to eat it. No hunger. No fullness.
Now Saint is a ghost. He and I ow loe equally. He knows the things I hae been hiding all these years. Now I st tell daughter eerything. That she is the daughter of a ghost. She has no chi. This is greatest sha. How I leae this world without leaing her spirit?
So this is what I will do. I will gather together  ast and look. I will see a thing that has already happehe pain that bsp; spirit loose. I will hold that pain in hand until it bees hard and shiny, re clear. And then fieress e babsp; golden side, bck side. I will use this sharp pain to pee daughters tough skin and cut her tiger spirit loose. She will fight , because this is the nature of two tigers. But I will win and gie her spirit, because this is the way a ther loes her daughter.
I hear daughter speaking to her husband downstairs. They say words that an nothing. They sit in a roowith no life in it.
I know a thing before it happens. She will hear the ase and table crashing to the floor. She will e up the stairs and into roo Her eyes will see nothing in the darkness, where I awaitiweerees.
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