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An-Mei Hsu
Yesterday daughter said to , quot;My rriage is falling apart.quot;
And now all she do is watch it falling. She lies down on a psychiatrisuch, squeezing tears out about this sha. And, I think, she will lie there until there is nothio fall, nothio cry about, eerything dry.
She cried, quot;No choio choice!quot; She doesnt know. If she doesnt speak, she is king a choice. If she doesnt try, she lose her ce foreer.
I know this, because I was raised the ese way: I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other peoples sery, to eat own bitterness.
Ahough I taught daughter the opposite, still she ca out the sa way! Maybe it is because she was born to and she was born a girl. And I was born to ther and I was born a girl. All of us are like stairs, oep after anoing up and down, but all going the sa way.
I know how it is to be quiet, to listen and watch, as if your life were a drea You close your eyes when you no longer want to watch. But when you no longer want to listen, what you do? I still hear what happened re than sity years ago.
My ther was a strao when she first arried at uncles house in Ningpo. I was nine years old and had not seen her for ny years. But I knew she was ther, because uld feel her pain.
quot;Do not look at that won,quot; warned aunt. quot;She has thrown her fato the eastward-flowing strea Her aral spirit is lost foreer. The person you see is just decayed flesh, eil, rotted to the bone.quot;
And I would stare at ther. She did not look eil. I wao touch her face, the ohat looked like ne.
It is true, she wore strange fn clothes. But she did not speak back when aunt cursed her. Her head bowed een lower when uncle spped her for calling hiBrother. She cried froher heart when Popo died, een though Popo, her ther, had sent her away so ny years before. And after Popos funeral, she obeyed uncle. She prepared herself to return to Tientsin, where she had dishonored her widowhood by being the third e to a ri.
Hould she leae without ? This was a question uld not ask. I was a child. uld only watd listen.
The night before she was to leae, she held head against her body, as if to protebsp; froa danger uld not see. I was g t her back before she was een gone. And as I y in her p, she told a story.
quot;An-i,quot; she whispered, quot;hae you seetle turtle that lies in the pond?quot; I his ond in ouurtyard and I often poked a sti the still water to ke the turtle swiout frouhe rocks.
quot;I also khat turtle when I was a sll child,quot; said ther. quot;I used to sit by the pond and watch hiswiing to the surface, biting the air with his little beak. He is a ery old turtle.quot;
uld see that turtle in nd and I knew ther was seeing the sa one.
quot;This turtle feeds on our thoughts,quot; said ther. quot;I learhis one day, when I was ye, and Popo said uld no longer be a child. She said uld not shout, or run, or sit on the ground to catch crickets. uld not cry if I was disappointed. I had to be silent and listen to elders. And if I did not do this, Popo said she would y hair and seo a pce where Buddhist nuns lied.
quot;That night, after Popo told this, I sat by the pond, looking into the water. And because I was weak, I began to cry. Then I saw this turtle swiing to the top and his beak was eating tears as soon as they touched the water. He ate thequickly, fie, si, seen tears, then clied out of the pond, crawled onto a soth rod began to speak.
quot;The turtle said, I hae eaten your tears, and this is why I know your sery. But I st warn you. If you cry, your life will always be sad.
quot;Theurtle opened his beak and out poured fie, si, seen pearly eggs. The eggs broke open and frotheerged seen birds, who iediately began to chatter and sing. I knew frotheir snow-white bellies and pretty oices that they were gpies, birds of joy. These birds bent their beaks to the pond and began to drink greedily. And when I reached out hand to capture ohey all rose up, beat their bck wings in face, and flew up into the air, ughing.
quot;Now you see, said the turtle, drifting bato the pond, why it is useless to cry. Your tears do not wash away your sorrows. They feed soone elses joy. And that is why you st learn to swallow your own tears. quot;
But after ther finished her story, I looked at her and saw she was g. And I also;q;/q began tain, that this was our fate, to lie like two turtles seeing the watery world together frothe bottoof the little pond.
In the I awoke to hear—not the bird of joy—but angry sounds in the distance. I jued out of bed and ran quietly to window.
Out in the fronurtyard, I saw ther kneeling, scratg the stohway with her fingers, as if she had lost sothing and knew shuld not find it again. In front of her stood Uncle, thers brother, and he was shouting.
quot;You want to take your daughter and ruin her life as well!quot; Uaed his foot at this iertihought. quot;You should already be gone.quot;
My ther did not say anything. She reined bent on the ground, her back as rounded as the turtle in the pond. She was g with her uth closed. And I began to cry in the sa way, swallowing those bitter tears.
I hurried to get dressed. And by the ti I ran dowairs and into the front roo ther was about to leae. A serant was takirunk outside. My auntie was holding onto little brothers hand. Before uld reer to y uth, I shouted, quot;Ma!quot;
quot;See how your eil influence has already spread to your daughter!quot; ebsp; uncle.
And ther, her head still bowed, looked up at and saw face. uld not stop tears frorunning down. And I think, seeing face like this, d. She stood up tall, with her back straight, so that now she was alst taller than uncle. She held her hand out to and I ran to her. She said in a quiet, caloice: quot;An-i, I anot asking you. But I agoing back to Tientsin now and you follow .quot;
My auntie heard this aely hissed. quot;A girl is er than what she follows! An-i, you think you see sothing new, riding on top of a new cart. But in front of you, it is just the ass of the sa old le. Your life is what you see in front of you.quot;
And hearing this de re detero leae. Because the life in front of was uncles house. And it was full of dark riddles and suffering that uld not uand. So I turned head away fre words and looked at ther.
Now uncle picked up a por ase. quot;Is this what you want to do?quot; said uncle. quot;Throw your life away? If you follow this won, you eer lift your head again.quot; He threw that ase on the ground, where it sshed into ny pieces. I jued, and ther took hand.
Her hand was war quot;e, An-i. We st hurry,quot; she said, as if a rainy sky.
quot;An-i!quot; I heard aunt call piteously frobehind, but then uncle said, quot;Swanle!quot;—Finished!—quot;She is already ged.quot;
As I walked away fro old life, I wondered if it were true, what uncle had said, that I was ged anuld neer lift head again. So I tried. I lifted it.
And I saw little br so hard as auntie held onto his hand. My ther did not dare take brother. A son eer go to sobody elses house to lie. If he went, he would lose any hope for a future. But I knew he was not thinking this. He was g, angry and scared, because ther had not asked hito follow.
What uncle had said was true. After I saw brother this way, uld not keep head lifted.
In the rickshaw on our way to the railway station, ther rred, quot;Poor An-i, only you know. Only you know what I hae suffered.quot; When she said this, I fe proud, that only uld see these delicate and rare thoughts.
But orain, I realized how far behind I was leaing life. And I beca scared. We traeled for seen days, one day by rail, si days by stear boat. At first, ther was ery liely. She told stories of Tientsin wheneer face looked back at where we had just been.
She talked of cleer peddlers who sered eery kind of sile food: stead dulings, boiled peanuts, and thers faorite, a thin pah an egg dropped in the ddle, brushed with bck bean paste, then rolled up—still finger-hot off the griddle!—and hao the hungry buyer.
She described the port and its seafood and cid it was eeer than what we ate in Ningpo. Big c, prawns, crab, all kinds of fish, say and freshwater, the best—otherwise why would so ny fners e to this port?
She told about narrow streets with crowded bazaars. In the early peasants sold egetables I had neer seen or eaten before in life—and ther assured I would find theso sweet, so tender, so fresh. And there were ses of the city where different fners lied—Japanese, White Russians, Aris, and Gerns—but ogether, all with their own separate habits, so dirty, so . And they had houses of all shapes anlors, one painted in pink, another with roo that jutted out at eery angle like the backs and fronts of Victorian dresses, others with roofs like pointed hats and wood gs painted white to look like iory.
And in the wii I would see snow, she said. My ther said, In just a few nths, the period of the ld Dew would e, then it would start to rain, and then the rain would fall re softly, re slowly until it beca white and dry as the petals of quince blosso in the spring. She would up in fur-lis and pants, so if it was bitteld, no tter!
She told ny stories until face was turned forward, looking toward new ho isin. But when the fifth day ca, as we sailed closer toward the Tientsin gulf, the waters ged froddy yellow to bd the boat began troan. I beca fearful and sick. And at night I dread of the eastward-flowing strea aunt had warned about, the dark waters that ged a person foreer. And watg those dark waters fro sickbed on the boat, I was scared that aunts words had e true. I saw how ther was already beginning to ge, how dark and angry her face had bee, looking out oer the sea, thinking her own thoughts. And thoughts, too, beca cloudy and fused.
On the of the day we were supposed to arrie isin, she went into our sleeping wearing her white ese dress. And wheuro the sitting roooop deck, she looked like a stranger. Her eyebrows were paihick at the ter, then long and sharp at the ers. Her eyes had dark sdges around theand her face ale white, her lips dark red. On top of her head, she wore a sll brow hat with e brown-speckled feather swept across the front. Her short hair was tucked into this hat, ecept for two perfect curls on her forehead that faced each other like bck cquer gs. She had on a long brown dress with a white clr that fell all the way to her waist and was fastened down with a silk rose.
This was a shog sight. We were in But uld not say anything. I was a child. Hould I sy own ther? uld only feel sha seeing ther wear her sha so boldly.
In her gloed hands she held a rge crealored bo with fn words written on top: quot;Fine English-Tailored Apparel, Tientsin.quot; I reer she had put the bo dowween us and told : quot;Open it! Quickly!quot; She was breathless and sling. I was so surprised by thers range nner, it was not until ny years ter, when I was using this bo to store letters and photographs, that I wondered how ther had knowhough she had not seen for ny years, she had known that I would soday follow her and that I should wear a new dress when I did.
And when I opehat bo, all sha, fears, they fell away. Inside was a arch-white dress. It had ruffles at thlr and along the sleees and si tiers of ruffles for a skirt. The bo also tained white stogs, white leather shoes, and an enorus white hair bow, already shaped and ready to be fastened on with two loose ties.
Eerything was too big. My shoulders kept slipping out of the rge neck hole. The waist was big enough to fit two of . But I did not nd. She did not nd. I raised ar and stood perfectly still. She drew out pins and thread and with little tucks here and there stuffed in the loose terials, then filled the toes of the shoes with tissue paper, until eerything fit. Wearing those clothes, I fe as if I had grown new hands a and I would now hae to learn to walk in a new way.
And then ther beca sain. She sat with her hands folded in her p, watg as our boat drew closer and closer to the dock.
quot;An-i, now you are ready to start your new life. You will lie in a new house. You will hae a new father. Many sisters. Another little brother. Dresses and good things to eat. Do you think all this will be enough to be happy?quot;
I nodded quietly, thinking about the unhappiness of brother in Ningpo. My ther did not say anything re about the house, or new faly, or happiness. And I did not ask any questions, because now a bell was sounding and a ships steward was calling our arrial isin. My e quistrus to our porter, poio our two sll trunks and handed hiney, as if she had dohis eery day of her life. And then she carefully opened another bo and pulled out what looked to be fie or si dead foes with open beady eyes, li paws, and fluffy tails. She put this scary sight around her ned shoulders, then grabbed hand tight as we ed down the aisle with the crowd of people.
There was no o the harbor to et us. My ther walked slowly down the raway, through the baggage ptfor looking nerously froside to side.
quot;An-i, e! Why are you so slo;quot; she said, her oice filled with fear. I was dragging feet, trying to stay in those toe shoes as the grouh swayed. And when I was not watg which way feet were ing, I looked up and saw eerybody was in a hurry, eerybody seed unhappy: falies with old thers and fathers, all wearing dark, soelors, pushing and pulling bags and crates of their lifes possessions; pale fn dies dressed like ther, walking with fn n in hats; rich wieslding ids as following behind carrying trunks and babies and baskets of food.
We stood he street, where rickshaws and trucks ca a. We held hands, thinking our own thoughts, eople arriing at the station, watg others hurrying away. It was te and ahough it seed waroutside, the sky was gray and clouding oer.
After a long ti of standing and seeing no one, ed and finally shouted for a rickshaw.
During this ride, ed with the rickshaw puller, who wara cash to carry the two of us and gage. Then she pined about the dust frothe ride, the sll of the street, the buiness of the road, the teness of the day, the ache ioch. And when she had finished with these nts, she turned her pints to : a spot on new dress, a tangle in hair, twisted stogs. I tried to win babsp; ther, pointing to ask her about a sll park, a bird flying aboe us, a loric streetcar that passed us sounding its horn.
But she bely re cross and said: quot;An-i, sit still. Do not look so eager. We are only going ho.quot;
And when we finally arried ho, we were both ehausted.
I knew frothe beginning our new ho would not be an ordinary house. My ther had told we would lie in the household of Wu Tsing, who was a ery rich rt. She said this n owned ny carpet factories and lied in a nsion located in the British cession of Tientsin, the best se of the city where ese peopluld lie. We lied not too far froPai Di, Racehorse Street, where only Westerneruld lie. And we were also close to little shops that sold only one kind of thing: only tea, or only fabric, or only soap.
The house, she said, was fn-bui; Wu Tsing liked fn things because fners had de hirich. And I cluded that was why ther had to wear fn-style clothes, in the nner of newly rich ese people who liked to dispy their weah oside.
Ahough I knew all this before I arried, I was still azed at what I saw.
The front of the house had a ese stoe, rou the top, with big bck cquer doors and a threshold you had to step oer. Withies I saw thurtyard and I was surprised. There were no willows or sweet-slling cassia trees, no garden pailions, no benches sitting by a pond, no tubs of fish. Instead, there were long rows of bushes on both sides of a wide brick walkway and to each side of those bushes was a big wn area with fountains. And as we walked down the walkway and got closer to the house, I saw this house had been bui in the Western style. It was three stories high, of rtar and stone, with loal balies on each floor and eys at eery er.
When we arried, a you won ran out and greeted ther with cries of joy. She had a high scratchy oice: quot;Oh Taitai, youe already arried! How this be?quot; This was Yan g, thers personal id, and she knew how to fuss oer ther just the right aunt. She had called ther Taitai, the sile honorable title of Wife, as if ther were the first wife, the only wife.
Yan g called loudly to other serants to take gage, called another serant t tea and draw a hot bath. And then she hastily epihat Sed Wife had told eeryo to epect us for another week at least. quot;What a sha! No oo greet you! Sed Wife, the oo Peking to isit her reties. Your daughter, so pretty, your sa look. Shes so shy, eh? First Wife, her daughters…gone on a pilgrige to another Buddhist tele…Last week, usins uncle, just a little crazy, ca to isit, turned out not to be usin, not an uncle, who knows who he was….quot;
As soon as we walked into that big house, I beca lost with too ny things to see: a cured staircase that wound up and up, a ceiling with faces in eery er, then hallways twisting and turning into one roothen ao right was a rge rer than I had eer seen, and it was filled with stiff teakwood furniture: sofas and tables and chairs. And at the other end of this long, long roo uld see doors leading into re roo, re furniture, then re doors. To left was a darker roo another sitting roo this one filled with fn furniture: dark greeher sofas, paintings with hunting dogs, arhairs, and hogany desks. And as I gnced in these roo I would see different people, and Yan g would epin: quot;This young dy, she is Sed Wifes serant. That one, she is nobody, just the daughter ooks helper. This n takes care of the garden.quot;
And then we were walking up the staircase. We ca to the top of the stairs and I found self in ane sitting roo We walked to the left, down a hall, past one roo and then stepped into another. quot;This is your thers rooquot; Yan g told  roudly. quot;This is where you will sleep.quot;
And the first thing I saw, the only thing uld see at first, was a gnifit bed. It was heay and light at the sa ti: soft rose silk and heay, dark shiny wood cared all around with dragons. Four posts held up a silk opy and at each post dangled rge silk ties holding back curtains. The bed sat on four squat lions paws, as if the ght of it had crushed the lion underh. Yan g showed how to use a sll step stool to cli onto the bed. And when I tuled onto the silk cs, I ughed to der a soft ttress that was ten tis the thiess of bed in Ningpo.
Sitting in this bed, I adred eerything as if I were a princess. This roohad a gss door that led to a baly. In front of the window door was a round table of the sa wood as the bed. It too sat on cared lions legs and was surrounded by four chairs. A serant had already put tea and sweet cakes oable and was now lighting the houlu, a sll stoe for burninal.
It was not that uncles house in Ningpo had been poor. He was actually quite well-to-do. But this house isin was azing. And I thought to self, My uncle was wrong. There was no sha in thers rrying Wu Tsing.
While thinking this, I was startled by a sudden g! g! g! followed by si the wall opposite the bed was a big wooden clock with a forest and bears cared into it. The door on the clock had burst open and a tiny roofull of people was ing out. There was a bearded n in a pointed cap seated at a table. He was bending his head oer and ain to drink soup, but his beard would dip in the bowl first and stop hi A girl in a white scarf and blue dress was standio the table and she was bending oer and ain to gie the n re of this soup. Ao the n and girl was anirl with a skirt and short jacket. She was swinging her arbad forth, pying iolin sic. She alyed the sa dark song. I still hear it in head after these ny years—ni-ah! nah! nah! nah! nah-ni-nah!
This was a wonderful clock to see, but after I heard it that first hour, then the , and then always, this clock beca araagant nuisance. uld not sleep for ny nights. And ter, I found I had an ability: to not listen to sothing aningless calling to .
I was so happy those first few nights, in this asing house, sleeping in the big soft bed with ther. I would lie in this fortable bed, thinking about uncles house in Ningpo, realizing how unhappy I had been, feeling sorry for little brother. But st of thoughts flew to all the hings to see and do in this house.
I watched hot water p out of pipes not just i but also into washbasins and bathtubs on all three floors of the house. I saots that flushed without serants haing to ety the I saw roo as fancy as thers. Yan g epined whies beloo First Wife and the other es, who were called Sed Wife and Third Wife. And so roo beloo no one. quot;They are fuests,quot; said Yan g.
Ohird floor were roo for only the s, said Yan g, and one of the roo een had a door to a et that was really a secret hiding pce frosea pirates.
Thinking back, I find it hard to reer eerything that was in that house; too ny good things all seethe sa after a while. I tired of anything that was not a y. quot;Oh, this,quot; I said when Yan g brought the sa sweet ats as the day before. quot;Ie tasted this already.quot;
My ther seed tain her pleasant nature. She put her old clothes ba, long ese gowns and skirts now with white bands sewn at the botto. During the day, she poie and funny things, nang thefor : bidet, Brownie cara, sad fork, napkin. In the eening, when there was nothing to do, we talked about the serants: who was cleer, who was diligent, who was loyal. We gossiped as woked sll eggs and sweet potatoes on top of the houlu just to enjoy their sll. And at night, ther would again tell stories as I y in her ar falling asleep.
If I look upon whole life, I ot think of ai when I fe re fortable: when I had no worries, fears, or desires, when life seed as soft and loely as lying inside of rose silk. But I reer clearly when all that fort beo longer fortable.
It erhaps two weeks after we had arried. I was in the rge garden in back, kig a ball and watg two dogs chase it. My ther sat at a table watg  y. And then I heard a horn off in the distance, shouts, and those two dogs fot the ball and ran off barking in high happy oices.
My ther had the sa fearful look she wore in the harbor station. She walked quickly into the house. I walked around the side of the house toward the front. Two shiny bck rickshaws had arried and behind thea rge bck torcar. A was taking luggage out of one rickshaw. Froanother rickshaw, a young id jued out.
All the serants crowded around the torcar, looking at their faces in the polished tal, adring the curtained windows, the elet seats. Then the drier opehe back door and out stepped a young girl. She had short hair with rows of waes. She looked to be only a few years older than I, but she had on a wons dress, stogs, and high heels. I looked down at own white dresered with grass stains and I fe ashad.
And then I saw the serants reag into the backseat of the torcar and a n was slowly being lifted by both ar. This was Wu Tsing. He was a big n, not tall, but puffed out like a bird. He was ch older than ther, with a high shiny forehead and a rge bck le on one nostril. He wore a Western suit jacket with a est that closed too tightly around his stoch, but his pants were ery loose. He groaned and grunted as he heaed hielf out and into iew. And as soon as his shoes touched the ground, he began to walk toward the house, ag as though he saw no ohough people greeted hiand were busy opening doors, carrying his bags, taking his lonat. He walked into the house like that, with this young girl following hi She was looking behind at eeryoh a siering sle, as if they were there to honor her. And when she was hardly in the door, I heard o rerk to another, quot;Fifth Wife is so young she did n any of her ows, only a wet nurse.quot;
I looked up at the house and saw ther looking down froher window, watg eerything. So in this cluy way, ther found out that Wu Tsing had taken his fourth e, who was actually just an afterthought, a foolish bit of ration for his orcar.
My ther was not jealous of this young girl who would now be called Fifth Wife. Why should she be? My ther did not loe Wu Tsing. A girl in a did not rry for loe. She rried for position, and thers position, I ter learned, was the worst.
After Wu Tsing and Fifth Wife arried ho, ther often stayed in her roow on her eroidery. Iernoon, she and I would go on long silent rides iy, searg for a bo of silk in lor shuld not seeto na. Her unhappiness was this sa way. Shuld not .
And so, while eerything seed peaceful, I k was not. You y wonder how a sll child, only nine years old, know these things. Now I wonder about it self. I reer only how unfortable I fe, how uld feel the truth with stoch, knowing sothing terrible was going to happen. And I tell you, it was alst as bad as how I fe so fifteen years ter when the Japanese bos started to fall and, listening in the distance, uld hear soft rules and khat what was ing was unstoppable.
A few days after Wu Tsing had arried ho, I awoke in the ddle of the night. My ther was rog shoulder gently.
quot;An-i, be a good girl,quot; she said in a tired oice. quot;Go to Yan gs roono;quot;
I rubbed eyes and as I awoke I saw a dark shadow and began to cry. It was Wu Tsing.
quot;Be quiet. Nothing is the tter. Go to Yan g,quot; ther whispered.
And then she lifted down slowly to thld floor. I heard the wooden clock begin to sing and Wu Tsings deep oipining of the chill. And when I went to Yan g, it was as though she had epected and knew I would be g.
The uld not look at ther. But I saw that Fifth Wife had a swollen face like ne. And at breakfast that in front of eerybody, her anger finally erupted when she shouted rudely to a serant for sering her so slowly. Eeryone, een ther, stared at her for her bad nners, critig a serant that way. I saw Wu Tsing throw her a sharp look, like a father, and she began to cry. But ter that Fifth Wife was sling again, prang around in a new dress and new shoes.
Iernoon, ther spoke of her unhappiness for the first ti. We were in a rickshaw going to a store to find eroidery thread. quot;Do you see how shaful life is?quot; she cried. quot;Do you see how I hae no position? He brought ho a new wife, a low-css girl, dark-skinned, no nners! Bought her for a few dolrs froa pe faly that kes dbrick tiles. And at night when he o longer use her, he es to , slling of her d.quot;
She was g now, raling like a crazy won: quot;You see now, a fourth wife is less than a fifth wife. An-i, you st not fet. I was a first wife, yi tai, the wife of a schor. Your ther was not always Fourth Wife, Sz Tai!quot;
She said this word, sz, so hatefully I shuddered. It sounded like the sz that ans quot;die.quot; And I reered Popo oelling four is a ery unluuer because if you say it in an angry way, it always es out wrong.
The l;big..;/bigd Dew ca. It beca chilly, and Sed Wife and Third Wife, their children as returned ho to Tientsin. There was a big otiohey arried. Wu Tsing had allowed the orcar to be sent to the railway station, but ourse that was not enough to carry theall back. So behind the torcar ca a dozen or so rickshaws, boung up and down like crickets following a rge shile. Won began to pour out of the torcar.
My ther was standing behind , ready to greet eerybody. A won wearing a pin fn dress and rge, ugly shoes walked toward us. Three girls, one of whowas age, followed behind.
quot;This is Third Wife ahree daughters,quot; said ther.
Those three girls were een re shy than I. They crowded around their ther with bowed heads and did not speak. But I tio stare. They were as pin as their ther, with big teeth, thick lips, and eyebrows as bushy as a caterpilr. Third Wife weled wary and allowed to carry one of her packages.
I fe thers hand stiffen on shoulder. quot;And there is Sed Wife. She will want you to call her Big Mother,quot; she whispered.
I saearing a long bck fuat and dark Western clothes, ery fancy. And in her ar she held a little boy with fat rosy cheeks who looked to be two years old.
quot;He is Syaudi, your littlest brother,quot; ther whispered. He wore a cap de out of the sa dark fur and was winding his little finger around Sed Wifes long pearl neckce. I wondered how shuld hae a baby this young. Sed Wife was handso enough and seed heahy, but she was quite old, perhaps forty-fie. She hahe baby to a serant and then began to gie instrus to the ny people who still crowded around her.
And then Sed Wife walked toward , sling, her fuat gleang with eery step. She stared, as if she were eaning , as if she reized . Finally she sled and patted head. And then with a swift, graceful ent of her sll hands, she reed her long pearly strand and put it around neck.
This was the st beautiful piece of jewelry I had eer touched. It was designed in the Western style, a long strand, each bead the sa size and of aical pinkish tone, with a heay brooch of ornate siler to csp the ends together.
My ther iediately protested: quot;This is too ch for a sll child. She will break it. She will lose it.quot;
But Sed Wife sily said to : quot;Such a pretty girl needs sothing to put the light on her face.quot;
uld see by the way ther shrank bad beca quiet that she was angry. She did not like Sed Wife. I had to be careful how I showed feelings: not to let ther think Sed Wife had won oer. Yet I had this reckless feeling. I was oerjoyed that Sed Wife had showhis special faor.
quot;Thank you, Big Mother,quot; I said to Sed Wife. And I was looking down to aoid showing her face, but still uld not help sling.
When ther and I had tea in her rooter that afternoon, I knew she was angry.
quot;Be careful, An-i,quot; she said. quot;What you hear is not genuine. She kes clouds with one hand, rain with the other. She is trying to trick you, so you will do anything for her.quot;
I sat quietly, trying not to listen to ther. I was thinking how bsp; ther pihat perhaps all of her unhappiness sprang froher pints. I was thinking how I should not listen to her.
quot;Gie the necke,quot; she said suddenly.
I looked at her without ing.
quot;You do not beliee , so you st gie the neckce. I will not let her buy you for such a cheap price.quot;
And when I still did not e, she stood up and walked oer, and lifted that neckce off. And before uld cry to stop her, she put the neckder her shoe and stepped on it. Whe it oable, I saw what she had dohis neckce that had alst bought heart and nd now had one bead of crushed gss.
Later she reed that broken bead and khe space together so the neckce looked whole again. She told to wear the neckce eery day for one week so I would reer how easy it is to lose self to sothing false. And after I wore those fake pearls long enough to learn this lesson, she let take theoff. Then she opened a bo, and turo : quot;Now ynize what is true?quot; And I nodded.
She put sothing in hand. It was a heay ring of watery blue sapphire, with a star in its ter so pure that I neer ceased to look at that ring with wonder.
Before the sed onth began, First Wife returned froPeking, where she kept a house and lied with her two unrried daughters. I reer thinking that First Wife would ke Sed Wife bow to her ways. First Wife was the head wife, by w and by .
But First Wife turned out to be a liing ghost, no threat to Sed Wife, who had her strong spirit intact. First Wife looked quite a and frail with her rounded body, bou, her old-style padded jacket and pants, and pin, lined face. But now that I reer her, she st not hae been too old, ybe Wu Tsings age, so she erhaps fifty.
When I t First Wife, I thought she was blind. She acted as if she did not see . She did not see Wu Tsing. She did not see ther. A shuld see her two daughters, two spinsters beyond the rriageable age; they were at least twenty-fie. And she always regained her sight in ti told the two dogs for sniffing in her roo digging in the garden outside her window, or wetting on a table leg.
quot;Why does First Wife sotis see and sotis not see?quot; I asked Yan g one night as she helped bathe.
quot;First Wife says she sees only what is Buddha perfe,quot; said Yan g. quot;She says she is blind to st faus.quot;
Yan g said that First Wife chose to be blind to the unhappiness of her rriage. She and Wu Tsing had been joined in tyandi, heaen ah, so theirs iritual rriage arranged by a tchker, ordered by his parents, and protected by the spirits of their aors. But after the first year e, First Wife had gien birth to a girl with ooo short. And this sfortune led First Wife to begin a trek to Buddhist teles, to offer al and tailored silk gowns in honor of Buddhas ige, to burn inse and pray to Buddha to lengthen her daughters leg. As it happened, Buddha chose io bless First Wife with another daughter, this oh two perfect legs, but—as!—with a browain spshed oer half her face. With this seisfortune, First Wife began to go on so ny pilgriges to Tsinan, just a half-days train ride to the south, that Wu Tsing bought her a house he Thousand Buddha Cliff and Bubbling Springs Baoo Groe. And eery year he increased the allowance she o nage her own household there. So twice a year, during thldest and hottest nths of the year, she returo Tientsin to pay her respects and suffer sight unseen in her husbands household. And each ti she returned, she reined in her bedroo sitting all day like a Buddha, sking her opiu talking softly to herself. She did not e downstairs for als. Instead she fasted or ate egetarian als in her roo And Wu Tsing would ke a d-isit in her bedrooonce a week, drinking tea for half an hour, inquiring about her heah. He did not bother her at night.
This ghost of a won should hae caused no suffering to ther, but in fact she put ideas into her head. My ther belieed she too had suffered enough to desere her own household, perhaps not in Tsinan, but oo the east, in little Petaiho, which was a beautiful seaside resort filled with terraces and gardens ahy widows.
quot;We are going to lie in a house of our o;quot; she told happily the day snow fell on the ground all around our house. She was wearing a new silk fur-lined gown the bright turquoislor of kingfisher feathers. quot;The house will not be as big as this o will be ery sll. But we lie by ourseles, with Yan g and a few other serants. Wu Tsing has prosed this already.quot;
During thldest wih, we were all bored, adus and children alike. We did not dare go outside. Yan g warned that skin would freeze and crato a thousand pieces. And the other serants always gossiped about eeryday sights they had seen in town: the back stoops of stores always blocked with the frozen bodies of beggars. Man or won, youldnt tell, they were so dusty with a thicer of snow.
So eery day we stayed in the house, thinking of ways to ase ourseles. My ther looked at fn gazines and clipped out pictures of dresses she liked, and then she went downstairs to discuss with the tailor how such a dresuld be de using the terials aaible.
I did not like to py with Third Wifes daughters, who were as docile and dull as their ther. Those girls were tent looking out the window all day, watg the sun e up and go down. So instead, Yan g and I roasted chestnuts on top of the littl stoe. And burning our fingers while eating these sweet s, we naturally started to giggle and gossip. Then I heard the clock g and the sa song began to py. Yan g preteo sing badly in the cssic opera style ah ughed out loud, reering how Sed Wife had suerday eening, apanying her quaering oi a three-stringed lute and king ny stakes. She had caused eeryoo suffer through this eeai, until Wu Tsing decred it was enough suffering by falling asleep in his chair. And ughing about this, Yan g told a story about Sed Wife.
quot;Twenty years ago, she had been a faus Shantung sing-song girl, a won of so respect, especially ang rried n who frequeeahouses. While she had neer beey, she was cleer, aress. Shuld py see;cite99ｌｉb.;/citeral sical instrunts, sing aales with heartbreaking crity, and touch her fio her cheek and cross her ti in just the right nner.
quot;Wu Tsing had asked her to be his e, not for loe, but because of the prestige of owning what so ny other n wanted. And this sing-song girl, after she had seen his enorus weah and his feeblended first wife, seo bee his e.
quot;Frothe start, Sed Wife knew how to trol Wu Tsings ney. She knew by the way his face paled at the sound of the wind that he was fearful of ghosts. And eerybody knows that suicide is the only way a won escape a rriage and gain reeo e back as a ghost and scatter tea leaes and good fortune. So when he refused her a bigger allowance, she did pretend-suicide. She ate a piece of raw opiu enough to ke her sick, and the her id to tell Wu Tsing she was dying. Three days ter, Sed Wife had an allowance een bigger than what she had asked.
quot;She did so ny pretend-suicides, we serants began to suspect she no longer bothered to eat the opiu Her ag otent enough. Soon she had a better rooin the house, her own priate rickshaw, a house for her elderly parents, a sufor buying blessings at teles.
quot;But ohing shuld not hae: children. And she knew Wu Tsing would soon bee anious to hae a son whuld perforthe aral rites and therefuarantee his own spiritual eternity. So before Wu Tsinuld pin about Sed Wifes ck of sons, she said: I hae already found her, a e suitable to bear your sons. By her ery nature, you see she is a irgin. And this was quite true. As you see, Third Wife is quite ugly. She does not een hae sll feet.
quot;Third Wife was ourse ied to Sed Wife fing this, so there was oer of the household. Ahough Sed Wife did not o lift a finger, she oersaw the purchase of food and supplies, she approed the hiring of serants, she inited reties oial days. She fou nurses for each of the three daughters Third Wife bore for Wu Tsing. And ter, when Wu Tsing was again iatient for a son and began to spend too ey in teahouses in other cities, Sed Wife arra so that your ther beca Wu Tsings third e and fourth wife!quot;
Yan g reealed this story in such a natural and liely way that I appuded her cleer ending. We tio crack chestnuts open, until uld no longer rein quiet.
quot;What did Sed Wife do so ther would rry Wu Tsing?quot; I asked tidly.
quot;A little child ot uand such things!quot; shelded.
I iediately looked down and reined silent, until Yan g beca restless again to hear her own oice speak on this quiet afternoon.
quot;Your ther,quot; said Yan g, as if talking to herself, quot;is too good for this faly.quot;
quot;Fie years ago—your father had died only one year before—she and I went to Hangchow to isit the Si Harnies Pagoda on the far side of West Lake. Your father had been a respected schor and also deoted to the si irtues of Buddhisenshrined in this pagoda. So your ther kowtowed in the pagoda, pledging to obsere the right harny of body, thoughts, and speech, to refrain frogiing opinions, and to shuh. And when we boarded the boat to cross the ke agai opposite a n and a won. This was Wu Tsing and Sed Wife.
quot;Wu Tsing st hae seen her beauty iediately. Back then your ther had hair down to her waist, which she tied high up on her head. And she had unusual skin, a lustrous pinlor. Een in her white widows clothes she was beautiful! But because she was a widow, she was worthless in ny respects. Shuld not rerry.
quot;But this did not stop Sed Wife frothinking of a way. She was tired of watg her households ney being washed away in so ny different teahouses. The ney he spent was enough to support fie re wies! She was anious to quiet Wu Tsings outside appetite. So she spired with Wu Tsing to lure your ther to his bed.
quot;She chatted with your ther, dered that she po go to the Monastery of the Spirits Retreat the day. And Sed Wife showed up at that pce as well. And after re friendly talk, she inited your ther to dinner. Your ther was so lonely food ersation she gdly aepted. And after the dinner, Sed Wife said to your ther, Do you py h jong? Oh, it doesnt tter if you py badly. We are only three people nbbr..;/abbrow and ot py at all unless you would be kind enough to join us torrow night.
quot;The night, after a long eening of h jong, Sed Wife yawned and insisted ther spend the night. Stay! Stay! Dont be so polite. No, your politeness is really re ine. Why wake the rickshaw boy? said Sed Wife. Look here, bed is certainly big enough for two.
quot;As your ther slept soundly in Sed Wifes bed, Sed Wife got up in the ddle of the night ahe dark roo and Wu Tsing took her pce. When your ther awoke to find hitoug her beh her undergarnts, she jued out of bed. He grabbed her by her hair and threw her on the floor, then put his foot ohroat and told her to undress. Your ther did not screaor cry when he fell on her.
quot;In the early she left in a rickshaw, her hair undone and with tears streang down her face. She told no o what had happened. But Sed Wife pio ny people about the shaless ho had ented Wu Tsing into bed. Hould a worthless widow ause a rian of lying?
quot;So when Wu Tsing asked your ther to be his third e, to bear hia son, what choice did she hae? She was already as low as a prostitute. And wheuro her brothers house and kowtowed three tis to say good-bye, her brother kicked her, and her own ther banned her frothe faly house foreer. That is why you did not see your in until yrandther died. Your ther went to lie isin, to hide her sha with Wu Tsings weah. And three years ter, she gae birth to a son, which Sed Wife cid as her own.
quot;And that is how I ca to lie in Wu Tsings house,quot; cluded Yan g proudly.
And that was how I learhat the baby Syaudi was really thers son, littlest brother.
In truth, this was a bad thing that Yan g had doelling thers story. Secrets are kept frochildren, a lid on top of the soup kettle, so they do not boil oer with too ch truth.
After Yan g told this story, I saw eerything. I heard things I had neer uood before.
I saw Sed Wifes true nature.
I saw how she often gae Fifth Wife o go isit her pe, eng this silly girl to quot;show your friends and faly how rich youe bee!quot; And ourse, her isits always rended Wu Tsing of Fifth Wifes low-css background and how foolish he had been to be lured by her earthy flesh.
I saw Sed Wife koutou to First Wife, bowing with deep respect while her re opiu And I knew why First Wifes power had been drained away.
I saw how fearful Third Wife beca when Sed Wife told her stories of old es who were kicked out into the streets. And I knew why Third Wife watched oer Sed Wifes heah and happiness.
And I saw thers terrible pain as Sed Wife bounced Syaudi on her p, kissing thers son and telling this baby, quot;As long as I ayour ther, you will neer be poor. You will neer be unhappy. You will grow up to own this household and care for in old age.quot;
And I knew why ther cried in her rooso often. Wu Tsings prose of a house—for being the ther of his only son—had disappeared the day Sed Wiflpsed froanother bout of pretend-suicide. And ther knew shuld do nothing t the prose back.
I suffered so ch after Yan g told thers story. I wanted ther to shout at Wu Tsing, to shout at Sed Wife, to shout at Yan g and say she was wrong to tell these stories. But ther did not eehe right to do this. She had no choice.
Two days before the lunar new year, Yan g woke when it was still bck outside.
quot;Quickly!quot; she cried, pulling along before nd and eyeuld work together.
My thers roowas brightly lit. As soon as I walked in uld see her. I ran to her bed and stood on the footstool. Her ar and legs were ing bad forth as she y on her back. She was like a soldier, rg to nowhere, her head looking right the. And now her whole body beca straight and stiff as if to stretch herself out of her body. Her jaulled down and I saw her tongue was swollen and she waughing to try to ke it fall out.
quot;Wake up!quot; I whispered, and then I turned and saw eerybody standing there: Wu Tsing, Yan g, Sed Wife, Third Wife, Fifth Wife, the doctor.
quot;She has taken too ,quot; cried Yan g. quot;The doctor says he do nothing. She has poisoned herself.quot;
So they were doing nothing, only waiting. I also waited those ny hours.
The only sounds were that of the girl in the clock pying the iolin. And I wao shout to the ake its aningless noise be silent, but I did not.
I watched ther r her bed. I wao say the words that would quiet her body and spirit. But I stood there like the others, waiting and saying nothing.
And then I recalled her story about the little turtle, his warning not to cry. And I wao shout to her that it was no use. There were already too ny tears. And I tried to swallow theone by one, but they ca too fast, until finally closed lips burst open and I cried and cried, then cried all aiing eerybody in the roofeed on tears.
I fainted with all this grief and they carried back to Yan gs bed. So that while ther was dying, I was dreang.
I was falling frothe sky down to the ground, into a pond. And I beca a little turtle lying at the bottoof this watery pce. Aboe uld see the beaks of a thousand gpies drinking frothe pond, drinking and singing happily and filling their snow-white bellies. I was g hard, so ny tears, but they drank and drank, so ny of the until I had ears left and the pond was ety, eerything as dry as sand.
Yan g ter told ther had listeo Sed Wife and tried to do pretend-suicide. False words! Lies! She would neer listen to this won who caused her so ch suffering.
I know ther listeo her ow, to no longer pretend. I know this because why else did she die two days before the lunar new year? Why else did she pn her death so carefully that it beca a on?
Three days before the lunar new year, she had eaten ywansyau, the sticky sweet duling that eerybody eats to celebrate. She ate oer the other. And I reer her strange rerk. quot;You see how this life is. You ot eat enough of this bitterness.quot; And what she had done was eat ywansyau filled with a kind of bitter poison, not died seeds or the dull happiness of opiuas Yan g and the others had thought. When the poison broke into her body, she whispered to that she would rather kill her own irit so shuld gie a stronger one.
The stiess g to her body. Theuld not ree the poison and so she died, two days before the new year. They id her on a wooden board in the hallway. She wore funeral clothes far richer than those she had worn in life. Silk undergarnts to keep her warwithout the heay burden of a fuat. A silk gown, sewn with gold thread. A headdress of gold and pis and jade. And two delicate slippers with the softest leather soles and two giant pearls on each toe, to light her way to nirana.
Seeihis st ti, I threw self on her body. And she opened her eyes slowly. I was not scared. I knew shuld see and what she had finally done. So I shut her eyes with fingers and told her with heart: I see the truth, too. I astrong, too.
Because we both khis: that ohird day after soone dies, the soul es back to settleres. In thers case, this would be the first day of the lunar new year. And because it is the new year, all debts st be paid, or disaster and sfortune will follow.
So on that day, Wu Tsing, fearful of thers engeful spirit, wore tharsest of white clothes. He prosed her isiting ghost that he would raise Syaudi and as his honored children. He prosed to reere her as if she had been First Wife, his only wife.
And on that day, I showed Sed Wife the fake pearl neckce she had gien and crushed it under foot.
And on that day, Sed Wifes hair began to turn white.
And on that day, I learo shout.
I know how it is to lie your life like a drea To listen and watch, to wake up and try to uand what has already happened.
You do not need a psychiatrist to do this. A psychiatrist does not want you to wake up. He tells you to dreaso re, to find the pond and pour re tears into it. And really, he is just another bird drinking froyour sery.
My ther, she suffered. She lost her fad tried to hide it. She found only greater sery and finalluld no;q;/qt hide that. There is nothio uand. That was a. That was eople did back then. They had no choice. Theuld not speak up. Theuld not run away. That was their fate.
But now they do sothing else. Now they no longer hae to swallow their own tears or suffer the taunts of gpies. I know this because I read this news in a gazine froa.
It said that for thousands of years birds had been tornting the peasants. They flocked to watch peasants bent oer in the fields, digging the hard dirt, g into the furrows to water the seeds. And when the people stood up, the birds would fly down and drink the tears ahe seeds. So children stared.
But one day, all these tired peasants—froall oer a—they gathered in fields eerywhere. They watched the birds eating and drinking. And they said, quot;Enough of this suffering and silence!quot; They began to cp their hands, and bang sticks on pots and pans and shout, quot;Sz! Sz! Sz!quot;—Die! Die! Die!
And all these birds rose in the air, ard and fused by this new anger, beating their bck wings, flying just aboe, waiting for the o stop. But the peoples shouts only grew stronger, ahe birds beca re ehausted, uo nd, uo eat. And this tinued for ny hours, for ny days, until all those birds—hundreds, thousands, and then llions!—fluttered to the ground, dead and still, until not one bird reined in the sky.
What would your psychiatrist say if I told hithat I shouted for joy when I read that this had happened?
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